The Badger Brigade
WHO NEEDS NEIGHBOURHOOD WATCH WHEN YOU'VE GOT BADGER WATCH...
(A week in the life of a villager living with a neighbourhood of Badger Squad Marines.)
The little old sleepy village of Chardstock has awoken- or my street has. It all started with what I hoped to be a quiet moment in the garden late at night last week. I stepped out the back door and smothered myself in the cool evening silence, so bliss at the end of a long day. I turned the corner into the garden and BOOM... a smash goes and out of nowhere comes this big black furry blob shooting across my feet and under our big pile of wood like rocket speed. I can't say I was happy- firstly the woodpile is my ideal garden seat when its late and I don't want to venture any further into my garden and secondly, because my quiet time had been rudely interrupted by an extremely clumsy large nocturnal animal. It was safe to say that I was also slightly freaked out.. glued to my spot and unable to move for a few minutes in the pitch black. I popped on my phone torch and had a look about but couldn't seem to spot anything, so quickly went in, quickly conversing with my family about the 'incident.'
I then spent a ridiculous amount of time, spying out my window through my curtains like some kind of wierd peeping tom, trying to spot the night monster.
By the morning, the garden encounter was still on my mind, especially when I wondered down the garden to find an enormous hole dug between my neighbour and I's fence.
Living in Chardstock is like living in Dibley- you see the same people walking to the post office (2 doors away from our house and also doubles up as a store to buy EVERYTHING)- they walk past our window at the same time, wondering back a few minutes later with the same loaf of bread/letter/newspaper. Everybody knows everybody, everyone can see in my garden, I can see in theirs and whether you like it or not, villagers seem to have this unwritten rule, where they must share everything!
Our neighbour (I'm gonna call him Farmer Giles for privacy) literally spends so much time in his garden. He waters his plants, gives his veggies the most ridiculous amount of TLC; strims and mows his lawn more times since I moved here than I can count. He always manages to find some sort of garden challenge to spend his time doing.
The only way I can describe Farmer Giles' veggie patch is that it is so perfect and each little veggie in a line looks just the same, so it could almost be a garden off the Sims or some wierd plant growing facebook community game.
Of course, Farmer Giles soon found out about my encounter with the badger and so unfortunately, so did everybody else.
The first night he decided to smother our fence and his garden, (surrounding the veggie patch in particular,) with some horrific tar based, funky smelling drain detergent- which my mum claimed that in the roaring heat, was getting her high!!!
The next day, mum overhears a conversation over the fences-
(In broad Devonshire farmer voice)
Farmer Giles- That ruddy badger has dug up my carrots
Neighbour- Tell me about it, that bloody badger has been pooping all over my new patio.
Farmer Giles- you sure it isn't cat poo (blatantly aimed at our lovely two moggies who like to poo in his veggie patch)
Neighbour- I thought that but its got nuts in it
Farmer Giles- I put down some detergent you see- but it doesn't seem to have done the trick.
Neighbour 2- Nah, the badger ain't bothered by that, I'm gonna fill a crisp bag with poison tonight and leave it on the patio.
Next thing, Farmer Giles is hammering- I say 'What are you making there?' He says- 'I'm making a barracade for that ruddy badger- he's a nuisance he is.' So Farmer Giles puts up various boards, bits of guttering and completely circles his vegetables with his new badger defence system- which day by day is increasingly becoming more and more protecting.
Now the badger was seen in the post office garden and he is the hot topic of conversation-and what happens when all those Dibley villagers wonder into the post office? They come out knowing everything and the badger story is sure to be spreading like wild fire.
I feel that he has been that entertaining that it only seems right to name him Boris and secondly I am trying to shift the feelings of becoming the enemy and trying to rescue it.
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| WANTED: What Boris could look like. |
So there goes the badger saga- I'll keep you informed of any more Badger Brigade antics and hope you enjoyed another one of my Devonshire ramblings.
***P.s VERY VERY VERY SORRY FOR NOT BLOGGING RECENTLY- You have no idea how long it has taken to post this blog with my crappy countryside internet!!
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